14 February 2010

So, you're in love with a vampire?

Dear human,

I've told you countless times that vampires don't love you as anything other than a tasty treat. I'll be honest: I don't care if you believe me. Your propensity to cling to the romantic notions perpetuated by vampire fiction makes my continued existence just a little bit cushier. After all, dinner is so much easier to woo if it thinks that you mean no harm. So, why do I insist on extinguishing your dreams of vampire romance? I guess it's because I prefer to play with my food, but I don't always like it when my food plays back.

Now that I've cleared the air, I'm going to tell you what you really want to know...
(I know that you do, because it is the most asked...and therefore the most ignored...question that I receive)

How can I attract a vampire?

Really, you don't need to do anything other than be human. Your little beating heart, your warm blood, and your sweet life will be enough, should a vampire be lurking around. But, how can you make him (or her) pick you over all the other little lamb chops in the market?

Rules for attracting a vampire (as defined by Ana)
1. Be disease free.
This is a no-brainer, right? You don't like tainted food, either...Do I have to mention the swine flu (if I hear H1N1 one more time...bah), the pandemic bird flu, or mad cow disease? So...wear a condom, don't drink each other's blood in vampire role-play, and, for everyone's sake, wash your hands.

2. Eat well, and eat often.
I like my food well fed. Forget pale, skinny, and generally undernourished specimens. That look may be all the rage with Twilight lovers, but real vampires like a meal with a little meat to it...even if liquids are preferred over steak. It should go without saying, but eat healthy food...please (I must really mean it if I bothered to write 'please').

3. Don't ask a lot of stupid questions.
No one likes that about you.

4. Stop whining.
Bella, Elena, and Sookie have the whiny-little-human down pat. Come whining to me, and our relationship will last less than ten-seconds...five if Lucius is around.

5. (On the same note) Don't be bossy.

Let your elders do the bossing. Seriously, if you don't want to be told what to do, then avoid relationships with vampires...like I told you to do in the first place.

6. Be interesting.
This is harder than it sounds. I've met a lot of people; most are dull. I've seen a lot of things; most are ordinary. I've heard a lot of remarks; most have been said before. If you want a vampire to take interest in you, then give him something in which to be interested.

That's it. That's how you attract a vampire. Curiously enough, all of those seduction techniques also work on humans. So, why don't you just go and get yourself one of your own kind? ...at least until a vampire decides to take you out for a quick bite.

Finally, I'm sure that you want to know why I tell you all this...
It's Valentine's Day, that's why. And, I'm a firm believer that Valentine's Day just isn't the same without a little bloodshed.

Pucker up,

10 February 2010

Eat dirt

"[W]e call ourselves vegetarians," Edward says ominously (Meyer 188).

We've all heard the jokes (or made them); they're impossible to resist. There is a moment when you tilt your head to the side, scowl, and speak out loud to the character: "Edward, dear, Bambi is not a vegetable."

However, taxonomic confusion is not the point of this tirade. A question has been raised repeatedly. Can vampires feed on animal blood?

For my answer, I will pilfer the dialogue of Edward Cullen...again. "If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?" (Meyer 207). Add in the condescending tone for authenticity's sake, and then contemplate the following. A vampire can consume animals, just as you can consume human blood. But, the ability to ingest a substance does not equip that product to be a diet staple.

Before you panic and ask a load of questions, I will pause and address this one: Can humans drink blood? My answer is: Yes, of course they can. Many do. Now, I don't know whether or not drinking blood makes a human sick. Certainly, I've seen humans vomit after consuming blood, but this may very well be the result of a mental reaction to consuming a taboo substance. I don't know, but I don't suggest doing it. You already know that I'm wary about the spread of disease; consequently, I've never explored the subject of human consumption of blood in a scientific manner. Ask someone else.

Now, I'll refer you back to my point. A human can drink blood, but that doesn't mean that a human can live by consuming blood alone. It lacks the nutritional value that humans receive from a varied diet. Humans are omnivores. Vampires are sanguivores...not vegetarians. Humans are generalized (not strictly adapted). Vampires are specialized (physiologically adapted to a specific function). While a vampire may derive some sustaining value from animal blood, it lacks the specialized ingredients that the vampire needs.

The staple of the vampiric diet is human blood. Live with it or die by it. It really doesn't matter to me. But, if you keep asking me to try a diet of animal blood, then I will insist that you try a diet of dirt and see how you fare.


Meyer, Stephenie. Twilight. Little, Brown and Company 2006.

Vegetable Art. [Photo]