14 February 2010

So, you're in love with a vampire?

Dear human,

I've told you countless times that vampires don't love you as anything other than a tasty treat. I'll be honest: I don't care if you believe me. Your propensity to cling to the romantic notions perpetuated by vampire fiction makes my continued existence just a little bit cushier. After all, dinner is so much easier to woo if it thinks that you mean no harm. So, why do I insist on extinguishing your dreams of vampire romance? I guess it's because I prefer to play with my food, but I don't always like it when my food plays back.

Now that I've cleared the air, I'm going to tell you what you really want to know...
(I know that you do, because it is the most asked...and therefore the most ignored...question that I receive)

How can I attract a vampire?

Really, you don't need to do anything other than be human. Your little beating heart, your warm blood, and your sweet life will be enough, should a vampire be lurking around. But, how can you make him (or her) pick you over all the other little lamb chops in the market?

Rules for attracting a vampire (as defined by Ana)
1. Be disease free.
This is a no-brainer, right? You don't like tainted food, either...Do I have to mention the swine flu (if I hear H1N1 one more time...bah), the pandemic bird flu, or mad cow disease? So...wear a condom, don't drink each other's blood in vampire role-play, and, for everyone's sake, wash your hands.

2. Eat well, and eat often.
I like my food well fed. Forget pale, skinny, and generally undernourished specimens. That look may be all the rage with Twilight lovers, but real vampires like a meal with a little meat to it...even if liquids are preferred over steak. It should go without saying, but eat healthy food...please (I must really mean it if I bothered to write 'please').

3. Don't ask a lot of stupid questions.
No one likes that about you.

4. Stop whining.
Bella, Elena, and Sookie have the whiny-little-human down pat. Come whining to me, and our relationship will last less than ten-seconds...five if Lucius is around.

5. (On the same note) Don't be bossy.

Let your elders do the bossing. Seriously, if you don't want to be told what to do, then avoid relationships with vampires...like I told you to do in the first place.

6. Be interesting.
This is harder than it sounds. I've met a lot of people; most are dull. I've seen a lot of things; most are ordinary. I've heard a lot of remarks; most have been said before. If you want a vampire to take interest in you, then give him something in which to be interested.

That's it. That's how you attract a vampire. Curiously enough, all of those seduction techniques also work on humans. So, why don't you just go and get yourself one of your own kind? ...at least until a vampire decides to take you out for a quick bite.

Finally, I'm sure that you want to know why I tell you all this...
It's Valentine's Day, that's why. And, I'm a firm believer that Valentine's Day just isn't the same without a little bloodshed.

Pucker up,


  1. But, who's to say I'm human? I havent been 'human' for centuries.

  2. In that case, dear anonymous one, that message wasn't written for you.

  3. I'm a vampire in love with a human but I told her it could never work because I have an ex-wife who is also a vampire. Confused? I think I am.

  4. I think that's pretty clear cut. Everyone knows it won't fare well in the end. Then again, "'till death do us part" may not be the final words on the matter...

  5. thanks for the info. I am going to west Hollywood for Halloween. I want to find my vampire there. I am a straight white female witch. any advice? like a ruin stone that could help attract or a spell that I cant seem to find?

  6. Dear Ana,
    I completely agree with you. On the levels that you spoke, but I halfly disagree with the "just being food thing" I girlfriend isn't just food to me.she trembles to my bite. On the other I tremble to my knees when I am around her. Well anyway I enjoyed reading what you wrote
    A true vampire,