28 April 2010

What you shouldn't say to a vampire

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time entrenched in human society. It's not all bad, but I could do with a conversation devoid of trivial annoyances. For example: say "bite me", "suck me", or anything similar, and you may get what you wished for...of course, it won't be served in a pleasant manner. For your benefit (and mine), I'm compiling a list of things you shouldn't bring up in a conversation with a vampire.
Responses may vary depending on the individual and his hunger-level.

"How do I know you're real?"
What you don't know can't hurt you. Okay, I lied. It can hurt you, but you won't see it coming.

"I will slay you!"
Slay me with what--boredom? Killing me is a little redundant. Don't you agree?

"Grow up!"
I would if I could.

"It's daytime. You should be asleep in your coffin. Don't you guys explode in the sunlight or sparkle or something?"
Look around. Do you see any fireworks?

"Want to go for a bite?" (This includes "How about a drink?" & "Want to grab some dinner?")

"What's your favorite food?"
Er...I thought that was obvious.

"Are you from Transylvania?"
No. Are you from the Garden of Eden?

"Oh, you're a vampire! Do you know Edward/Dracula/Lestat?"
Oh, you're American! Do you know George Costanza/Jefferson Davis/Tom Sawyer?

"I want to be a vampire. Will you change me?"
No. Do you really think I like you enough to have you tagging around after me forever? Bah!
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how that happens. Any ideas?

1 comment:

  1. Very creative post...I enjoyed it. A. :)

    Love your witty answers...you're a thinking vampire. ;)